Jay-Z and Charlie Rose Fist Bump!
Right after Jay-Z schooled Charlie on how to pronounce “2 Pac”—as in “not like six pack”—the host laughed whitely and awkwardly (redundant, I know) and then the two fist bumped.
It was the fist bump heard ‘round the world. And, for a moment or two, to both the audience watching it live in Brooklyn and to those of us watching at home as well, the divide between the races…never seemed so HUGE!
AWESOME!
Easter…Part Two. King of Kings.
This is Jesus’ favorite movie about himself, well if you don’t include Life of Brian (“I should do more comedies.”). But this 1961 Easter classic has a real soft-spot in his heart— “Not only did they capture my look, my swagger…they also got my attitude. And 30% of resurrecting is about the attitude.”
Fun Fact: the actor who played Jesus, Jeffrey Hunter, later starred in a TV pilot called Star Trek, as Capt Pike. He turned down the series. As Jesus said, “No way Hunter was gonna play some pussy Star Ship Captain after playing me!”
Kirk just took a big swig of wine and then mumbled, “Jesus said ‘pussy’”.
Downtown Los Angeles. The Nickel Diner.
It’s funny how some of your worst days can turn into your best nights. Jesus had to go to court in downtown Los Angeles to settle a public urination charge. I’m telling you, those robes are nothing but trouble. Anyway, a couple hours and a probation later, we found ourselves on Main Street…hungry as we’ve ever been. That’s when we found The Nickel.
Believe it or not, they have this Maple Bacon donut and, hell…they had us at Bacon! I had two and I’m pretty sure I started tripping. Kirk actually fed Jesus one of the donut holes and I swear the room started to spin. Then we sat down on the dessert tray, surrounded by homemade pop tarts and ding dongs. I felt like I was in a HR Pufnstuf flashback. It was awesome!
Kirk said he hadn’t been that turned-on around dudes since he was partying in the grotto of the Playboy Mansion with James Caan and Lee Majors. Like I’ve said a million times before…nobody ruins a moment quite like Kirk!
Downtown LA is pretty weird…I mean where else can you get a bacon donut and some crack on the same block? To which Jesus answered, “um…in Heaven.” And the whole place busted out laughing. I mean, he’d know, right?
Pineapple Express. Jesus is Gary Cole. Kirk is Seth Rogen.
This is probably one of Jesus’ favorite movies. Every time he cleans the windows (usually Tuesdays), as he pumps the Windex, he says in a high-pitched voice, “Thug life.” Jesus loves Danny McBride. “Every line that guy delivers is a gem.” If you ever get the chance, watch a Danny McBride movie with Jesus—he’ll point the little stuff you never would have noticed without him. Last time I did, Jesus highlighted this piece of McBride gold: “I am not gonna wake up murdered tomorrow!” Pure genius.
Jesus often says that if he had to do it all over again, he’d be a weed dealer. “None of the hard stuff. Just choice kush.” That’d be the life all right. Of course, Kirk said, “right around 45 you’d probably wake up one day and go, ‘what the fuck did I do with my life?’” Man can Kirk suck the buzz out of a room fast.
Jesus just told him that he was a dip-shit and that no matter what you did—from pro athlete to Senator to Good Humor Man—when you hit 45, you ask that question. “Life’s built that way. You spend half your life living a certain way and then you spend the other half thinking about how you should have done it differently.”
Damn that Jesus…sometimes he’s too damn smart. I was all psyched just imagining myself part of a weed dealing posse and then Jesus drops his mid-life knowledge on us and trashes the whole fantasy all to hell. Fuck that’s gonna sting!
The Breakfast Club. Kirk is Molly Ringwald.
This is one of Kirk’s favorite movies. Ever. He said it totally captures his high school experience. Both Jesus and I just rolled our eyes. “What? It does!” So which one were you, I asked him but I already knew what he’d say. “I’m Bender, man. The Judd Nelson character.” I knew it. Kirk is so predictable.
But Jesus wasn’t buying it. “No way you’re Bender. The wrestler, Emilio’s character, that I see or better yet…Claire. Yes, you’re Molly Ringwald!” Kirk just sat there. He was stunned. It’s not too often that you think you’re like a pimp member of the Brat Pack only to have someone shoot you down and tell you’re actually the bratty princess. I didn’t know if Kirk was going punch Jesus right on his beard or what. But after a moment, Kirk got up and said, “You’re right. That’s exactly who I am. I AM Claire.”
That Jesus, he knew people. It was weird but he just got you. One moment you were saying that you were the rebel dude that no one wanted to fuck with but ol’ Jesus would just look you straight in the eye and tell you were the spoiled little red-headed chick with pouty lips and suddenly you knew it and so did everybody else. He was that good.
That’s when Kirk started to dance. I’ve seen Kirk TRY to dance more than a dozen times. Not pretty. But tonight, something changed. It was like Kirk finally knew who he was. It was beautiful. And just for a second, between a kick and a spin, I’ll be damned if Kirk didn’t look like a slightly less-manish version of Molly Ringwald herself. It was something, I tell you.
Happy New Year, Charlie Brown
So this has got to be the saddest thing ever. Kirk told us we HAD to see this cartoon called, “Peanuts”. Now Jesus and I had never heard of it but we love “Family Guy” and “South Park” so we were both pretty psyched to see what Kirk called, “a holiday classic.” BIG MISTAKE. This thing was a total turd right from the get-go.
It’s about some loser named Charlie Brown who Jesus was pretty sure had that Benjamin Button disease, you know where you were born an old dude. I mean the kid was bald and everything so I think he was right. Anyway, nobody seemed to like this total dork, even his dog—and dogs set the bar pretty low when it comes to liking people: open a can, hold a leash. That’s it.
Man was the pacing of this thing sllllloooooow. Every time we were expecting someone to get thrown in a snow blower or get hit by a school bus…NOTHING happened. Not even a fantasy sequence! They didn’t even make fun of Jews or Mexicans either. WTF, Charles Schulz!?!?
Anyway, that bald loser has to read “War and Peace” during his Christmas break but all he really wants to do is dance with this “little red-headed girl.” Jesus said that the only way “that tard could get a chick…would be in a rape van.” And that seemed about right.
But the poor bald kid learns how to dance anyway and Jesus and I made fun of the whole thing. And then Kirk and I played like we were Lucy and Linus (he’s some nerdy music dork (what are you looking at, Adam Lambert?) and she’s a straight-up nympho) but because Kirk can’t play the piano, he just bongo-ed on Jesus’ wine jug.
But then it happened. We were all making fun of that bald freak when the poor doofus learns that he missed the dance AND the little red-hair girl was there!!! None of his friends liked him enough to call him or get him. He just fell asleep reading that shitty Tolstoy book. In the end, he stands there with that stupid look on his face as he stares out the door and realizes that the rest of his life will be just like this…spent alone on New Year’s with a stupid book in his hands that he’s just too bored to read.
It was like getting kicked in the balls and the stomach at the exact same time. We all pretty much shut up after that. And I don’t think any of us said another word the rest of the night.
